My Cat is Sexually Harassing Me. Make Her Stop.

Wasabi is the velour one, with colors like a Sigfried and Roy white tiger.

And man is she oversexed. I think maybe they didn’t quite get everything they were supposed to remove during the spay, because this girl is a freak. And you know what I’m talking about.

I might be bending over playing trains on the floor with the Unreliable Narrator, part of my shirt will ride up, and I’ll feel this suggestive licking on my back. Never fails. I have to shoo her away. It’s not just a sweet, short “Hi mama cat” kind of lick and then wander away to do her cat sitting meditation–no, it’s an “I stalked you on Facebook, deep-Googled you, and have now followed you home” kind of sustained licking until you nudge her head away.

Or, get this. She likes to be spanked. Not hit, mind you–I’d never do that to a fur-child or human child. But she likes a nice solid sexy spanky-spanky patting on her hindquarters in a steady 4/4 rhythm. And she’ll BITE you if you STOP. While you’re, um, spanking her? She meows and croons for more. It’s a sort of high-pitched bleat, like “I’m in heeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaat! If only I knew what that waaaaaaaaaaaas!”

My speculation is that when a tom mounts a she-cat, there’s probably a lot of pounding going on back there on the hindquarters. Not that I’ve ever witnessed any of the causes of the random caterwauling in our neighborhood or care to. But it isn’t too hard to imagine.

And again, that’s not really where I’d like to be–inside the sexual fantasies of my pet cat. I see ur face when ur spankin my butt. Kthanxbai! I mean, ew.

Now, generally I don’t have a problem with people doing what they need to make them happy, and I definitely am pro-pleasure for all creatures everywhere, but all of this slightly inappropriate soliciting of affection is starting to make me feel cheap and sorta used. And worst of all, once you start with the spanky-spanky, it’s like she’s this insatiable Pillow Queen. She’ll nudge your hand or start licking your toes in the hopes you’ll give her endless spanky-spanky, and I don’t know about you but I have other things to do during the day than give my semi-aroused cat some relief. Or getting bitten for not providing aforementioned relief. Better things, like post to this here blog, for example.

Moral of the story?

Can’t your sister lick you or would that be wrong?

If you’re lesbian, you only need to come out to me once. I get it, I support and love you, babe, but one coming out is plenty.

I know you have neeeeeeeeeds, but I have neeeeeeeeeds too, and they don’t involve scratching your itch all day.

Dear Wasabi,

Could we just be friends without benefits?

Kthanxbai.

Luv, Ur Human

10 thoughts on “My Cat is Sexually Harassing Me. Make Her Stop.

  1. Heh. Yes, cats enjoy beats. Darren’s cat, Eddie (or Edward if he’s being bad) enjoys being beaten in the same 4/4 pattern. He actually starts drooling.

    I think its just a cat thing. Or Edward is gay (not that there’s anything WRONG with that. I really need to stop digging this hole.).

    My cat enjoys the beats too, but she’s elderly and tends to fall over easily, so her beats are gentler (this is just getting worse and worse. I will stop now).

    And really, when it comes to cats, you’re supposed to feel used and cheap – they’re cats. You don’t own them – they just let you think you own them.

  2. Nicole,
    Ok, there’s the spanky-spanky (drooling?? I’m sorry that’s just BEYOND THE PALE, SICKO–kidding, the whole thing’s absurd)…

    But what about the suggestive licking?

    Hmmm, looks like I have geriatric kitty spanky-spanky to look forward to administering.

    Well, long live your kitty! May she be a perv deep into old age! ;)

  3. The licking?

    Can be rather ardent, prolonged, and insistent.

    Still, it’s much less effortful to be licked than to have to engage in endless spanky-spanky.

    Oh my, this comment thread about pet cats is turning into a sex chatline, isn’t it? I’ll stop right here.

    And let the hits from porno-seekers go through the roof. Ha!

  4. Oh and as a kitten? Eddie used to climb in the bed, under the covers, lick thighs and drool.

    Can you imagine waking up to having your thighs licked? By a cat’s tongue? “I’m having a dream that someone’s licking my thighs!”

    I’m done now. The pinot

    I don’t want to know about the hits you’re going to get on this one. :)

  5. Netasha on

    All this talk about spanky-licky. Here I was just trying to find a solution on how to get my cat to stop drooling. Imagine that.

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