Invasion of the Toddler Personality Snatchers

Just a quick rant to say that the day Toddler Tourette’s is over, I will emerge from my peaceful cloistering at the local nunnery/deluxe spa to resume motherhood. And not a minute before.

There’s a little boy at the Unreliable Narrator’s school who is definitely into lots of he-man pursuits. It’s clear he’s the vector through which all kinds of thoroughly annoying memes are taking root in my son. I take that back: H. is my son’s personal Tyler Durden. Who knows what kind of homegrown fight club is happening behind the climbing wall in the sand pit–the blind spot–the teachers purposely ignore? (I’m on to you.)

Power Rangers, with lots of weaponry, shooting, and killing? Check. Talk of poo-poo head, bonky-head, poopyface, etc etc etc ad excretum? Check. Complete with annoying drawn-out, half-whiny/half-idiot intonation. Gunplay, complete with in-my-face-discharging of said imaginary weapon? IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE, CHILD, YOU WILL AIM THAT FAKE GUN ELSEWHERE.

I believe someone else said it better than i did: I GAVE YOU LIFE, I CAN TAKE IT AWAY.




I probably caused untold psychological damage in my son, but for the sake of my own mental health recently I snapped, “If I wanted H. as a child, I’d just adopt him. Where is my [Unreliable Narrator]? I want him back.”

And you know? It stopped him short. For a minute at least.

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