Oh My God. Guilty As Charged

oh my god. guilty as charged:

“Up With Grups*”

It’s about the hedge-fund guy in Park Slope with the chunky square glasses, brown rock T-shirt, slight paunch, expensive jeans, Puma sneakers, and shoulder-slung messenger bag, with two kids squirming over his lap like itchy chimps at the Tea Lounge on Sunday morning. It’s about the mom in the low-slung Sevens and ankle boots and vaguely Berlin-art-scene blouse with the $800 stroller and the TV-screen-size Olsen-twins sunglasses perched on her head walking through Bryant Park listening to Death Cab for Cutie on her Nano.

at least i’m keeping it real with our Ebay-purchased, grey-market Inglesina stroller in puce and pale yellow. and i don’t (yet) own a nano. but as soon as i can get a cell phone that allows me to watch dvds and email/surf the web, I’M SO THERE.

more damning typologies:

THE FOUR STAGES OF GRUPITUDE1. PRE-GRUP
Hangs Out at Jake’s Dilemma and Bourbon Street on Amsterdam Avenue, Butterfield 8 in Murray Hill.
Currently Reading Dog Days, by Ana Marie Cox.
Listens To Coldplay; Jack Johnson.
Typical Wardrobe Off-the-rack Nike Shox; relaxed-fit Levi’s 501s.
Aspires To Be Jake Gyllenhaal; Kirsten Dunst.
Secret Shame Saw ARCADE FIRE on the cover of Spin; not sure what it referred to.

ok, i find levi’s 501s unbearably dowdy and unironic, but i have listened to coldplay on more than one occasion.

2. BEGINNER GRUP
Hangs Out at Mo Pitkin’s on Avenue A, hoping for a David Cross sighting.
Currently Reading Indecision, by Benjamin Kunkel.
Listens To Echo and the Bunnymen; anything found on the “Listeners Also Bought” list for the Killers’ “Hot Fuss” on iTunes.
Typical Wardrobe Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, MORE COWBELL T-shirt from Urban Outfitters; torn jeans from Abercrombie & Fitch.
Aspires To Be Skateboard mogul Tony Hawk; Natalie Portman in Garden State.
Secret Shame Has Kelly Clarkson on his iPod. The whole album.

though tempted, i’ve never actually bought anything from racist-misogynist t-shirt selling abercrombie. and my secret aural shame would be more of the donna summer greatest hits album (“toot toot, yeah, beep-beep. talkin’ ’bout ba-a-ad girls…”) than kelly clarkson.

3. ADVANCED GRUP
Hangs Out at Heathers in the East Village, and Baked in Red Hook and Royal Oak in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Currently Reading Jessica Abel’s graphic novel, La Perdida.
Listens To Anything rated over 8.0 on Pitchforkmedia.com (recently, the Liars and Japanese minimalist Chihei Hatakeyama).
Typical Wardrobe Built-to-fray Rogan jeans and gold L.A.M.B. Love sneakers.
Aspires To Be Sarah Silverman; Stephen Malkmus.
Secret Shame Doesn’t get Vice magazine. Finds it kind of offensive, actually.

oy, minimalist japano-pop? ick. built-to-fray rogan jeans? i don’t think so. advanced grupitude sounds like unself-aware self-parody. note the recurrence of the word ‘self’ in the previous sentence.

4. MASTER GRUP
Hangs Out at Unmarked bars that would close immediately if we published their addresses.
Currently Reading In Pursuit of Valis: Selections From the Exegesis, by Philip K. Dick.
Listens To Seminal bands you’ve never heard of (Montreal’s the Nils; Bronx rappers Diamond & the Psychotic Neurotics).
Typical Wardrobe Personally reconstructed Levi’s from high school and dead-stock 1981 Diadora sneakers.
Aspires To Be Outsider artist-songwriter Daniel Johnston; rediscovered freak-folk icon Vashti Bunyan. Secret Shame H&M.

this isn’t parody, this verges into psychotic head-up-assness in its obsession with cool.

obscure philip k dick i will cop to. and the only reason i’m not reconstructing my old 1983 police “zenyatta mendatta” tour t-shirts is that i gave them to my boyfriend’s kid sister ages ago, when she desperately needed the cool. the 1984 “let’s dance” david bowie tour t-shirt was beyond uncool, only an idiot would’ve tried to redeem it either then or now.

these are too ny-centric. of course, these identifying traits of soulless grupsters are shamelessly block cited from New York magazine, so what do you expect.

however, many of my fellow parental units at CN’s preschool are the very epitome of hipster-chic a la silverlake. and are even more guilty than i am. bless their souls.

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